Sleep for a mother is a gift because each minute is so precious. I mean, seriously, none of us with Littles get enough sleep. That’s why it is really crummy to wake up in the middle of the night. However, I woke up the other night unexpectedly. And not because of a upset child. I was surprised that I had woken up. I realized that I was fretting, and I woken up because I was feeling anxious and guilty. The waking up with anxiety doesn’t happen a lot, and I was annoyed. I also knew that part of the reason that I was awake was the lack of exercise and my diet this week, which also made me feel guilty. I was overcome with Mommy Guilt.
Here’s just a brief rundown of all of the thoughts flooding my head:
The Big One’s basketball schedule is killing me. It’s just so much. I can only manage to make it to about half of his games game. I want to go to all of his games, but between his lessons, trainings, practices and games, basketball is taking over our lives. Even though I want him to be as successful as he dreams of being.
The Monkey is so jealous of both of his brothers right now. He seems to go between loving them intensely and being furious at their existence. I need to find a way to make him happier. Less irritable, and easier to live with.
The Peanut has been so sick this winter, and he’s finally getting well again. I wonder if it’s my fault that he’s getting sick— is it because the house is so messy. I need to clean more. I will clean more. The Peanut is so easy and sweet and angelic. Bless his heart!
Let me not forget my wonderful husband, the Mellow Man. We both spend so much time running hither and thither, and thinking about the kids’ needs. I need to focus more on him and our relationship.
And there’s the house. The laundry. My car. There is so much tidying to do. I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been so busy the past month, and I’ve fallen even further behind. I just need to stay home and clean for two days. If I could find time without the Littles for 4 to 6 hours, I could make the house spotless. They make messes faster than I can clean them.
Okay, so tomorrow, I’ll see if my mom can keep the little boys for a few hours, and clean the house. Wait, I need to spend more time with them. They are growing up too fast. I’ve got to enjoy these days. So maybe we should go some place fun if it’s nice out.
(Source Unknown, please contact me if you know of it!)
I need to get caught up on everything. I need to get organized. If only I were more organized, I would be on top of things, and things like volunteering wouldn’t throw such a wrench into my schedule.
I need more time.
I need more organization.
I need to be a better mother.
Around and around and around all of this goes in my head. At 5am. When I should have been sleeping.
Here’s the truth, as I sit here typing. There is never going to be enough time. And knowing me, I’m never going to be organized enough. It’s just not in my DNA. I thrive in a certain level of chaos. However, when it’s not 5am, I know my house will get clean, but it make take a few years.
And I don’t have an answer for those of you who can relate to my mommy guilt. However, what I do know is that we, as mothers, spend more time beating ourselves up for things that we aren’t doing, rather than acknowledging the things that we are doing.
And while I can’t look objectively at myself, I can look at the mothers around me, and know that my mom friends are amazing women. They are undoubtedly busy and talented women who go above and beyond in the job of mothering in every regard.
Maybe the guilt is what keeps us mothers going, but it sure is exhausting, particularly at 5am.
So tonight, I’m going to try my very best, to keep my eye shut all night long, unless a Little wakes me up, and not fret and not feel guilty. Because deep down, I know that even if I’m not doing everything right, I am trying my very best, and that should count for a lot.